Little

Jaid has never acted her age. Her burden is heavy, her soul is old. She makes it easy to forget she's barely 7. I need to remember she's barely 7. She's little. And me, I'm literally everything to her. The pressure itself mounts. Our bond is tight but sometimes I can't help but feel like I'm being drowned sometimes. It was easier with a 2nd parent. Her happiness didn't solely rely on what I did or did not provide emotionally, there was another person filling the cup. That grip was a little more loose on me and I didn't feel as strangled to death. She's barely 7. Her life shouldn't be this rough. She shouldn't have to hold so much together. Her
weight is already more than most adults. She makes so easy to forget she's so little. 

Things and stuff

Things are happening. Things. Waited things. Wanted things. Scary things. Things are happening. What do you do? Move. You move. You open. Be open. 

Stop telling me

Stop telling me

About sharing honey eyes

Rather shut mine and believe the lies.

Fuck

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I need sleep and more hours in the day. 

My baby

She really is such a good girl. I'm a lucky mom. She makes me so proud. She's magic. 

Still sick

Still sick

Still can't hear.

Happy.

When you think you know

But you have no damn clue. 

Shit changes.

Never give up.

Just don't give up. On your each other, on yourself, on your dreams, just don't. Shit changes in half of a second and you have to be ok. You have to know it will be ok. 

When that one song is forever saving the day

No masters or kings when the ritual begins
There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin
In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene
Only then I am human
Only then I am clean

Check in

I'm pretty sure I'm never kicking this cold. Fuck my shit ass immune system. It would help if I didn't work like a mad women, but eh. You do what you must. It would help if I got one solid night sleep. It's been so long. It would help if I wasn't dwelling on my hearing, or lack there of. Cheers to another Monday down, I hope all of yours were well caffeinated and quick. 

Never sleep

It's been over a month since I have slept through the night. I wake up so many times its worse than having to be and down with a newborn. It's a solid 5 or more a night. I have no clue why. I assume stress. At first I thought it was this awful cold that I am JUST starting to get to end of, but I don't think that's it. I'm dreaming..some I remember, most i don't. But i do feel panic and on the verge of tears most times I wake up. The dreams j do remember I look up the dream interpretations of. Most point to stress, emotional worry, ect. Anyways...here's a pic dump. 

Life. 7. Ayyyyye.

I'm learning the art of pacing. Pacing my time, my body, each breath...paced. Each breath, with an intention. I'm learning focus. I'm learning control. I'm meditating again. I'm doing yoga again. I'm searching hard for inner peace. Every step elaborate and with an intention towards a goal.

We are celebrating my baby's SEVENTH birthday. 7!! Seven!!! What the what?! I'm excited. She is so damn strong. She is so so strong. She deserves so much more than the world hands her. Her luck seems to be like mine, shit hands being dealt. I am grateful for my family. I am so grateful for them. She's everything. Literally she is everything good and magical and sometimes I feel like I do a terrible job at supporting that. Breathe and try again. Apologize and try again. I will never stop trying for her. I will never stop fighting for her. She's everything pure and good. She's magic. I hope no one dulls that magic in her. I hope nothing stops her.

You little hippie you

Relax
Refresh
Renew



Things are good. Still it enough hours in the day, but things are good. Peace is my goal. Inner, everywhere just peace. That feeling....dancing barefoot in a beautiful place, release of all inhabitants. That's feelings is my goal these days. Money, self sufficiency. Peace, all around just peace and joy. I'm scraping and clawing and doing whatever I can to get there. I see my life....I'm not stopping.

Surface emotions

I'm frustrated. I'm sad. I'm at my limit. I'm angry. I'm resentful. I'm exhausted. More than anything, I'm exhausted. I feel like I have exhausted all my efforts. I don't even know what would come next, but I always find something. I always find someway. Always find some little tiny sliver of a string to dangle by. Why do I do that? Why? I mean I really work at dangling. I put legit effort in and the closer it is to not having any options left, the harder I fight and claw and grasp at anything to keep me staying put. I blow myself away lately with the fight in me I manage to muster when even I myself swear I can't take anything more, but I do. I find ways, and when there are no ways, I make ways. I don't feel like its strength. Not at all. I feel like my determination acts against me. It's so hard not to be cold hearted. Of all the negative emotions, that is the easier for me. Just be bitch. Don't show pain. Don't show hurt or sadness, don't show disappointment, don't show fear. Those are weak. I suppose it's how I work it out. But anger, bitchy, emotionless...that is my surface emotion through and through. That I can throw and move on the next moment demanding my attention. It is what it is I guess. Without that surface emotion, everything else is too raw and too much, feeling them would stop me in my tracks and break me down right there. I don't have time for that. What a luxury to actually have time to feel your emotions. Shit cuts too deep for everyday use. I barely have a moment to eat anymore let alone feel something.

Oth

He was careful and meticulous with the words he chose for her, like he was still holding onto her, and sometimes I think he still is.

Give me all the sleep

20 days straight of work. Ten hour days no day off until September. Ugh. Not to mention I have to travel on the weekends to San Leandro for 8 hour days and then drive home. I miss my baby. I miss my man. It's so hard to juggle everything but I am so determined!

Faaaaaaaat

I am so fat right now. Huge. This is the biggest I've been and oddly it is the most comfortable I have felt in my skin. I do want to lose just cause I really don't feel like having to buy all new clothes and I barely fit in mine. It's hard though, I work so much. I don't even have a day off until September. I need to buy a skateboard to use on my lunch break, it puts me in a really nice headspace. My bed is calling my name, it misses me. I miss my boyfriend and my kid.  Grateful I have a couple hours with my lady everyday before bed. I'm extremely grateful that I have such a devoted partner that can step up and pull weight as a parent. Their bond has got so strong now that he is home with her durning the day. I'm thankful I have a partner that can and will do the parent thing all day then go to work u til 2am everyday. It's nice not to feel like 100% of the weight is on my shoulders. It's nice to breathe. But it makes me sad cuz we barely see each other. We dont. We're in the same house together like three hours a day? I'm going as he's coming and vise versa. All for Jaidybaby though and our family. I feel him crawl into bed and wrap his arms around me and kiss my head goodnight. Its enough, just barely but enough to  get me through my day. He's asleep snoring when I kiss him goodbye. It's rough. I miss him and I don't do well with that. I stone my emotions and I push away, being a huge bitch has alwaysbeen easier for me to deal with than feeling sad or hurt or in need of emotions. I need to work on being vulnerable. Week one of August down. Three?....more to go? Now for some sweet sweet treasured sleep! 

New skills

I think it's important to learn to be able to be alone. Not single. But be genuinely ok alone. Not thinking or worrying about others. Just alone and at peace with it in your head. Solitude. I thought I craved it before but the more I learn to let go of the control i grip so tight to, the more I learn to really enjoy life. Things are awesome with the man and the babe. Yet, I always used to have a lightweight panic that everything could fall apart and I need to be on top of things and people to prevent that. Lesson learned? Life falls apart no matter how great you are at catchin the mess before it hits the ground. If it's not one thing, it's another. Be content falling asleep alone, be content watching a movie on your own. Learn to enjoy it. Do not let your life pass you bye spent in a series of just distracting time while waiting for your next company to occupy you. I'm learning contentment. I'm learning how to really love in the moment. I hear people say that so often, but I really don't think they do. I've said it so many time as this is the first I know it to be true. Shit happens, you can't stop the bad and you cant bring on the good. Be as positive as possible and just chiiiiiiiill. 

My life

When I look back on the times in life that have got me where I am today, it doesn't feel like it was my life. Then I was like damn, you have to go through some traumatic shit to have to remind yourself that you did indeed live through that life. 

Skateboarding

Stoooooooked. The boyfriend taught me how to skateboard today. I'm in love. I ate shit once lol but was fine and jumped back on. Did I mention I love it? As soon as I can I am going to get a cruiser too so we can cruise around our little beach town together. He's been working with Jaid for awhile now she was doing ramps on her own today! She trips me out. 

I have attempted before to skateboard but it just never stuck. It would feel awkward with my feet (now that I learned my "style" it clicked hahaha) or I would be scared to get hurt now that it takes so long to recover. I'm glad I really just did it and figured it out. I feel Like the older we get the harder it is to convince ourselves to learn new things like that. Yay! I wish I had pictures but I was too busy. It's a work out! 

Everything

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ofmonstersandmen/lovelovelove.html

Love Is

Seeing the damage you cause by choices and by actions, and doing whatever it takes to make sure that you don't do that again to the people you love. It's seeing the pain in their hearts and not being able to be the reason they struggle. It's making the most important people in your life, your most important priorities. I'm learning what love is. I'm learning what it looks like to have someone look me in the face and say, "I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry I put you through that. I refuse to do that to you again." And then to watch those words be followed by promises kept. Safety. Comfort. Love is forgiving mistakes because your partner makes sure they give you every tool you need TO forgive them. Love is forgiveness and looking past the bad times because you actually move past the bad times. Not only is impossible to forgive someone who says they are sorry but then continually makes the same choice to hurt you, but it as also impossible to respect them. You earn trust by protecting the people you love even from yourself. You choose not to do damage. And when you do, you do whatever it takes to make sure you don't put that wedge in again. Love is forgiveness and love is protection. Love is following through. Forgiveness is a partnership. You forgive someone and you hope with every fiber in you that they don't do it again. Asking for forgiveness is asking the person you hurt to give you the opportunity to turn around and do it again to them and asking for their trust that you won't. So when you do, it stings that much more. 

Endometriosis PCOS Birth control?

So here I am fighting with insurance about birth control. I deal with really bad PCOS and Endo. Trying to figure out a hormone therapy that will work, but of course.... Insurance is a huge pain in my ass. I've heard so many mixed thing about Mirena as well as other birth controls ( and before you go comment on about your own experience with any of these, please save it. Unless you deal with PCOS and especially endo, you have not a clue what you are talking about. A normal person body on these type of things are a world of difference away from someone with endo and using these for hormonal therapy to get pain relief. Experiences and outcomes have nothing to do with one another's.) some people say that Mirena is a cure all hormone for endo while some say it made life hell. The same with a lot of the pill forms. I don't know if I want to hold out and fight insurance for the pill or just say fuck it and get fitted for the Mirena. I had the para guard (which like I said has nothing to do with this because that is hormone free and Mirena is not as well as my para guard was almost 7 years ago and right after having a baby so my body has a way better chance of reacting better to Mirena.) I don't know. I do however know thAt it has only been a few short months since surgery and all my symptoms are coming back fairly quickly. Just long enough to forget you suffer from this shit but not long enough to live any kind of actual life before it comes creeping back in reminding you of the hell you were in just month prior. Fuuuuuuuuck my body. 

Teacher Chelsea

I landed a job teaching preschool again. I'm over the moon about it. I missed it more than I could explain to anyone. The money is awesome, school is paid for, the hours are long but that is a small sacrifice in the bigger picture. I'm really happy. I spent an hour at the school yesterday and had to tear myself away. I love what I do, genuinely love it in my soul. The fact that I am really good at it? That is a plus in itself. But to really good at something you have so much passion for is a win win. This job means so much more than a job and I won't elaborate because I don't expect anyone to really understand it. But this is huge for me. 

Changes

Just when I think I've got it all figured out, life throws some loops. I have an amazing man behind me and a family I couldn't be closer to on my side so I know I'll always be ok. When one door shuts, some others seem to fling wide open. I got to catch up on sleep today. Lots and lots of glorious MUCH needed sleep. It felt amazing. Then date day/night tomorrow with the man, kid free! It's been a minute. Shit happens for a reason. 

New job.

The new job is good. It is hard on my body. The hours are so early. I'm happy though, so it doesn't matter. I have a purpose per say and a bit of adult contact day to day other than the man and the babe. Money is good, attitude is good. All in all, it's all good. Going back to finish up school, life is coming together. I love that I still have so much time with jaid. I'm just really happy and grateful right now and trying to hold onto this positive hopeful feeling. This week is going to be fun :) Ash and Audrey, Fourth of July. I'm stoked. 

Photo dump!

Since I've been locked out of my blog I've barely posted! Photo dump from may/June/July. So many missing from switching phones! Cheers to jumping back into blogging. This is now my ONLY social media. No Facebook, no IG. Who would have thought. I'm debating a YouTube...well, uploading to it regularly. We shall see. For now, it feels nice to have my little corner of the internet to myself again. 

Lovers

Him: I don't want you to work. I miss you.
Me: But you aren't even awake while I'm gone. You guys are sleeping my whole shift.
Him: but I can't find your feet while I'm asleep and tangle them with mine.

The best me

I 100% believe that we are who we hang out with. We absorb energy from the people around us. I see a huge difference in my happiness and frame of mind between when I am around someone who is constantly negative and Someone who is usually upbeat and positive. Maybe it's laughter, maybe it's not taking on all the negative that people put out. For my own sanity though, I can't deal with people who are gnarly negative and always in a foul mood. Life too short to get that down. Inhale positivity exhale negativity.

No heal :(

I'm at my limit dealing. I need to get back to running and normal. I'm going stir crazy. My body isn't healing right, my poor stomach is just getting worse. I can barely move and standing makes me dizzy. Ugh. Day 5??i think. 

Love is...

Hiding apple juice in the fridge for you to find even though you told him not to buy it because it's your weakness and you'll get fat. 

Favorite line

You're the latest version of the same old you. 

Tisk tisk

I'll just leave this here to enjoy...

So much is different

I keep sitting here. Staring at the blinking cursor. No words on the page. My body so full of emotion and I can't seem to find the tap to the letting them run. This post probably won't make sense to many. It will probably be a small glimpse into "making sense" to the rear. Cracking myself open I guess.

How do you tell someone you don't love the same? When you can't even makes sense of it to yourself? How do you tell someone you've put grown them. That they too, as much as they don't want to accept it, have outgrown you. Something you thought was so right, it turns out so wrong, and tasting those words on your lips are bitter and sour to say the least. That there are some things that will never change. That things that should have changed, didn't. And with that came the changing of things that shouldn't have. How do you make someone who wants to see an old picture realize that while they were drowning, you someone how painted over the canvas before you knew what your hands were doing? How do you tell someone that you no longer want to be the name on thee lips? Because yes it's been your place for years you're numb there. Its hard to imagine another name, wen you've lived so comfortably being the name to slip off their lips when asked why they do it? When aske who they hate or who they love? You know it will be your name. It doesn't matter. Ask the man who broke him? It my name. Ask him who he can't live without? It's my name. It's exhausting to have someone cling so tight to you that you can't breathe your own air, but to have that same person hold you at such a distance from a penalizing finger. It gets to the point where you have no clue which was is up or down. You're just in a whirlwind of egg shells. 

That person, never picked up the pieces though. The pull, it listened. How do you tell them? Tell them that the pull you seem to have one them...someone else has on you. 

Alive

 I don't have a lot to say. Jaidy is at such a fun age. The stress of motherhood had died down to nearly no work at all. She's such an old soul. I feel like I live with a teenage roommate sometimes and not a 6 year old kindergartener. She really is my way friend. She is so helpful and responsible. She's sarcastic and has the best bitchy sense of humor. She is the sweetest kid I know and she really tries so hard to be a good person. I would be so incredibly lost without her last few weeks. The last month or so has been the hardest I have ever endured. A lot of people have had my back and I'm so grateful. This kid though, she shines so bright when I need her most. She's my teammate. She's my constant. She's my comfort. I'm proud and lucky to be her mama.