Surface emotions

I'm frustrated. I'm sad. I'm at my limit. I'm angry. I'm resentful. I'm exhausted. More than anything, I'm exhausted. I feel like I have exhausted all my efforts. I don't even know what would come next, but I always find something. I always find someway. Always find some little tiny sliver of a string to dangle by. Why do I do that? Why? I mean I really work at dangling. I put legit effort in and the closer it is to not having any options left, the harder I fight and claw and grasp at anything to keep me staying put. I blow myself away lately with the fight in me I manage to muster when even I myself swear I can't take anything more, but I do. I find ways, and when there are no ways, I make ways. I don't feel like its strength. Not at all. I feel like my determination acts against me. It's so hard not to be cold hearted. Of all the negative emotions, that is the easier for me. Just be bitch. Don't show pain. Don't show hurt or sadness, don't show disappointment, don't show fear. Those are weak. I suppose it's how I work it out. But anger, bitchy, emotionless...that is my surface emotion through and through. That I can throw and move on the next moment demanding my attention. It is what it is I guess. Without that surface emotion, everything else is too raw and too much, feeling them would stop me in my tracks and break me down right there. I don't have time for that. What a luxury to actually have time to feel your emotions. Shit cuts too deep for everyday use. I barely have a moment to eat anymore let alone feel something.