Never sleep

It's been over a month since I have slept through the night. I wake up so many times its worse than having to be and down with a newborn. It's a solid 5 or more a night. I have no clue why. I assume stress. At first I thought it was this awful cold that I am JUST starting to get to end of, but I don't think that's it. I'm dreaming..some I remember, most i don't. But i do feel panic and on the verge of tears most times I wake up. The dreams j do remember I look up the dream interpretations of. Most point to stress, emotional worry, ect. Anyways...here's a pic dump. 

Life. 7. Ayyyyye.

I'm learning the art of pacing. Pacing my time, my body, each breath...paced. Each breath, with an intention. I'm learning focus. I'm learning control. I'm meditating again. I'm doing yoga again. I'm searching hard for inner peace. Every step elaborate and with an intention towards a goal.

We are celebrating my baby's SEVENTH birthday. 7!! Seven!!! What the what?! I'm excited. She is so damn strong. She is so so strong. She deserves so much more than the world hands her. Her luck seems to be like mine, shit hands being dealt. I am grateful for my family. I am so grateful for them. She's everything. Literally she is everything good and magical and sometimes I feel like I do a terrible job at supporting that. Breathe and try again. Apologize and try again. I will never stop trying for her. I will never stop fighting for her. She's everything pure and good. She's magic. I hope no one dulls that magic in her. I hope nothing stops her.

You little hippie you

Relax
Refresh
Renew



Things are good. Still it enough hours in the day, but things are good. Peace is my goal. Inner, everywhere just peace. That feeling....dancing barefoot in a beautiful place, release of all inhabitants. That's feelings is my goal these days. Money, self sufficiency. Peace, all around just peace and joy. I'm scraping and clawing and doing whatever I can to get there. I see my life....I'm not stopping.

Surface emotions

I'm frustrated. I'm sad. I'm at my limit. I'm angry. I'm resentful. I'm exhausted. More than anything, I'm exhausted. I feel like I have exhausted all my efforts. I don't even know what would come next, but I always find something. I always find someway. Always find some little tiny sliver of a string to dangle by. Why do I do that? Why? I mean I really work at dangling. I put legit effort in and the closer it is to not having any options left, the harder I fight and claw and grasp at anything to keep me staying put. I blow myself away lately with the fight in me I manage to muster when even I myself swear I can't take anything more, but I do. I find ways, and when there are no ways, I make ways. I don't feel like its strength. Not at all. I feel like my determination acts against me. It's so hard not to be cold hearted. Of all the negative emotions, that is the easier for me. Just be bitch. Don't show pain. Don't show hurt or sadness, don't show disappointment, don't show fear. Those are weak. I suppose it's how I work it out. But anger, bitchy, emotionless...that is my surface emotion through and through. That I can throw and move on the next moment demanding my attention. It is what it is I guess. Without that surface emotion, everything else is too raw and too much, feeling them would stop me in my tracks and break me down right there. I don't have time for that. What a luxury to actually have time to feel your emotions. Shit cuts too deep for everyday use. I barely have a moment to eat anymore let alone feel something.