Oth

He was careful and meticulous with the words he chose for her, like he was still holding onto her, and sometimes I think he still is.

Give me all the sleep

20 days straight of work. Ten hour days no day off until September. Ugh. Not to mention I have to travel on the weekends to San Leandro for 8 hour days and then drive home. I miss my baby. I miss my man. It's so hard to juggle everything but I am so determined!

Faaaaaaaat

I am so fat right now. Huge. This is the biggest I've been and oddly it is the most comfortable I have felt in my skin. I do want to lose just cause I really don't feel like having to buy all new clothes and I barely fit in mine. It's hard though, I work so much. I don't even have a day off until September. I need to buy a skateboard to use on my lunch break, it puts me in a really nice headspace. My bed is calling my name, it misses me. I miss my boyfriend and my kid.  Grateful I have a couple hours with my lady everyday before bed. I'm extremely grateful that I have such a devoted partner that can step up and pull weight as a parent. Their bond has got so strong now that he is home with her durning the day. I'm thankful I have a partner that can and will do the parent thing all day then go to work u til 2am everyday. It's nice not to feel like 100% of the weight is on my shoulders. It's nice to breathe. But it makes me sad cuz we barely see each other. We dont. We're in the same house together like three hours a day? I'm going as he's coming and vise versa. All for Jaidybaby though and our family. I feel him crawl into bed and wrap his arms around me and kiss my head goodnight. Its enough, just barely but enough to  get me through my day. He's asleep snoring when I kiss him goodbye. It's rough. I miss him and I don't do well with that. I stone my emotions and I push away, being a huge bitch has alwaysbeen easier for me to deal with than feeling sad or hurt or in need of emotions. I need to work on being vulnerable. Week one of August down. Three?....more to go? Now for some sweet sweet treasured sleep! 

New skills

I think it's important to learn to be able to be alone. Not single. But be genuinely ok alone. Not thinking or worrying about others. Just alone and at peace with it in your head. Solitude. I thought I craved it before but the more I learn to let go of the control i grip so tight to, the more I learn to really enjoy life. Things are awesome with the man and the babe. Yet, I always used to have a lightweight panic that everything could fall apart and I need to be on top of things and people to prevent that. Lesson learned? Life falls apart no matter how great you are at catchin the mess before it hits the ground. If it's not one thing, it's another. Be content falling asleep alone, be content watching a movie on your own. Learn to enjoy it. Do not let your life pass you bye spent in a series of just distracting time while waiting for your next company to occupy you. I'm learning contentment. I'm learning how to really love in the moment. I hear people say that so often, but I really don't think they do. I've said it so many time as this is the first I know it to be true. Shit happens, you can't stop the bad and you cant bring on the good. Be as positive as possible and just chiiiiiiiill.