Break!!!

Holidays are fast approaching and I have two weeks with this kid. Happy mama and happy J.

Shes six. SIX. Bittersweet.

I have sat here ans typed and erased.  And typed and erased.  Words dont cover all the corners that make her, her. She isn't words, shes... jaid. Shes magic. I blinked and my litrlw 5lb baby turned 6. I feel like i have known her all my life and yet still feel like it was only a few months ago that she took her first breath in front of me. She is my constant.  She is so much more. This birthday hit me harder than the others. Which is kind of funny because six isnt a huge celebratory number. But it did... she really has left all little kidness behind. Shes sarcastic and hilarious and i could go on and on. 6. You guys, SIX. Fuck.

6!

Just a few from Js surprise party today!

I bet you remember

It makes me a little sick. I understand where the woman's pain comes from, i do. And a big part of me doesn't blame her. But this glorified father bullshit? Count me out. I follow Jaids lead. If Jaid wants to talk about her biological father, lets talk. We made a big deal out of the day that he died. She picked out a cupcake (and declared it a yearly tradition) we talked about him, his family. I told her funny stories about how he used to buy me a slurpee every day when I was pregnant. She knows he tried hard to be a good person. But she also knows the real reason he is dead, and she is fatherless. She knows about the custody battle. She knows more than most of those people that sat at his funeral.  I put my own emotions and pain aside because i dont do this for him. I dont do this for them. I dont do it for myself.  I actually do it against my self because if it were up to me everything surrounding his death would be blocked out.  I do this for my daughter. Because THAT is all that I care about. His family,  my family,  fried,  future relationships,  it all comes secondary to doing whatever the hell needs to be done to pull my daughter to the other side of grief. To make something so brutally painful,  as painless as i possibly can. If you step on my toes, I will not hesitate to cut anyone out. I hold life long grudges.  Consuming grudges.  I dont like it about myself, but its true...if i cut you out of my life, its not for no reason and the blame falls on your own conscious, noting mine. But to be painfully blunt,  my kid is not a photo opportunity. My child is complex and deep no matter what smile she outs on. Maybe im a hovering parent.  Maybe i micromanage the people she is close to. That kid and I though,  weve been through some SHIT. Not just her dad.. stacks and piles and pounds of shit. It took everything in my to pull myself up each time, each time her and I got up from rock bottom together.  You are high off your rocker if you think i will ever let my child be collateral for somebody else's healing, and sure as hell not at the expense of her own. I have swallowed so much pride that it nearly suffocates me, in the name of my daughter and her own healing.  Her father was a drug addict. Point blank. He died from METH. How my daughter and I pick up the pieces from that blow is up to us, and us solely.  You have no right to even side ways glance, i dont care if you are his family,  my family,  friends,  exs, random people.  You don't get a say and you dont get a question. Especially if you weren't a part of her life before he died.  She isnt a jar of ashes on a fire place that you take down every September  to snuggle because of a date and then leave collecting dust the rest of the year. She is a little girl who will forever carry a man's choices. And i will be damned if that is her identity to anyone, herself included.

Fuck it.

I dont like to share my own work. Lyrics. Poems.  Whatever you want to call it. But really, what am I going to do with them? I will never have the balls to do anything with it. Been there done that.  Im not chasing a dream,  and thats not knocking anyone who is. Sometimes all these words, they get so clouded in my head that i cant breathe until k get them. They usually go along with a random tune but that is irrelevant. They consume me, so i spit them out at 2am and there they hide on pages. So, maybe this blog is taking a turn of direction,  maybe it will be full of wacked out poems and of my kid. Soms from years ago... some to still be written. Anyway,  if you use my words on this blog. Fucking quote me and hand out some credit for my brain firing off would ya? Stealing is fucked up. Not that I would know either way... just dont be shitty humans ok?

I didn't kiss you, I wanted to, I watched your lips as you spoke and tried to convince myself that neither of us will taste like betrayal. Be it your taste, and I strike a match on my way out the door. The shaking in my hands never subsided, the air in my lungs never thinned back out. Be it betrayal you taste on my own lips, sending me back into a black closet hysterical in every sense of the word convincing you that I will swallow the poison and the medicine all in one dose if only you could break some steal and feel me again. Had I kissed you and tasted home, my feet would follow you. We never risked it. Nothing but a warning shot, im coming for you. 
-CL

Jaidy Lately

Jaid started basketball on Saturday.  She LOVES is and is actually really good. It is in her blood do I am not surprised.  I can't believe she will be SIX on Sunday the 21st.

Also, have you seen these adorable baby moccasins?  The women, Kimmie who makes these is super sweet. You can find her blog hellomess.com and her mocc shop is hellomoccs.bigcartel.com. You can also find awesome deals on her instagram @hellomess.

My tiger spirit baby.

#mamamonday "Now Saint is a ghost. He and I can now love equally. He knows the things I have been hiding all these years. Now I must tell my daughter everything. That she is a daughter of a ghost. She has no chi. No balance. This is my greatest shame. How can one leave this world without leaving her their spirit?" I worry about this day often. The day I have to tell my daughter the truth about her biological father. I have to deliver the pain of the details and then help her let go of any anger those details may bring, like they once brought me. I hope that on that day, her tiger spirit will stand strong and not crumble under the weight of a man's foul selfish choices...and if it does,  I will hold her and I will fight for her, and even fight her herself until she remembers there is a tiger inside her and that he played no part in the strength of that spirit.

Shes beautiful.

My home has a heart beat. 

Feelins n stuff

Because we say "I love you" like its our remedy & our poison. Because he says it as a statement of never having stopped, despite his attempts. He is my umbrella & he is my rain.
-cl

Disneyworld

Where my boys at?

I have so many many things to say about breastfeeding,  womens rights and empowerment... I will save you the words that I am sure you hear women roaring about because it gets a little repetitive.  I will however say this, as a man, especially a man who loves a women YOU should be fighting too. Staying silent is being just as loud as those trying to oppress these topics. No more of this bullshit "Not my fight, not my battle" bullshit. Thats YOUR girl being slammed for her right to breastfeed YOUR child. All these causes, all these fights, they are not for women to carry on their own. They are a worldwide fight and I will be DAMNED if I keep any man in my life that doesnt have my back. You want a women? You better have her back. Point blank. To those men yelling just as loud, unashamed to stand up for the rights of women and mothers in the world, I commend you. YOU are men. YOU are being heard. Stand up for womenhood and motherhood.

Lately

I dont have a lot of words lately,  so I dont really write them. Too much to say about too many emotions,  and no words to express them. Is that numb?

Jaidy bug

Idiots.

You know what makes me sick?
The fact that grown adult, educated,  brilliant women are pinning pins on pintrist labeled  "25 ways to celebrate your husband! " into a folder named "One day my prince will come!" NO!..FUCK NO. What are you doing?! 1. Please do not spend 5 hours a day web browsing how to celebrate your husband.  If there isn't at least 7 Google searches on "How to treat your wife" in your browser history, there is absolutely no reason for you to spend time readying mile long list on it either. AND TWO! You just lost  sweet glorious sleep researching ways to keep a husband you have yet to meet and still believe in a prince coming to sweep you off your feet. For fucks sake women! You worked too hard to educate yourself, to be a brilliant women wirh vast talent, WHAT are you doing?

No. FUCK no.

You take your damn self to that coffee shop or that dinner and you read your own book withOUT peeking over the top to see if any men seem interested.  You just wait. Any man worth keeping does not need to be kept, I dont care how many pinterest pins tell you otherwise. You have no duty to keep a mans eyes on you.

What we did weekend post 2

Friday:
We left straight from work to go hang out with my parents and ended up spending the night. We watched some movies in the morning,  drank some coffee ans headed home.
Saturday:
Once we got home Jaid ane I took the longest nap since we didnt sleep well on Friday night.  We woke up around dinner, ate and vegged in bed the rest of Saturday night. This entire weekend was meant for being bums.
Sunday: we stayed home, caught up on some laundry and took yet another epic nap. Did I mention my kid is awesome?  I didnt feel well all day and she hung out with me and let me relax.

Monday: (Memorial Day) woke up and got ready pretty quickly.  We went downtown with my dad and he got jaid two pairs of the cutest toms. We grabbed some lunch together and gave Jaid quarters to play games in the pizza place while my dad and I sat and talked forEVER. It was really nice to be able to talk with him without Jaid. She tends to take over every conversation within a mile radius. We headed to my parents to watch some movies for awhile and left to come home in time for a movie or two before we knock out. Oh, on a side note, jaid discovered her love for the original power rangers show. Proud mom moment and childhood flash back burrito served to yours truly. 

What We Did Weekend Post 1

Friday:

We went to my parents, went out to dinner. Kept sugars in check!

Stayed the night at my parents house and really just unloaded emotionally. 

I really am grateful to have such an emotional support system that surrounds my daughter and myself.

We just hung out really, surrounded ourselves with love.

Saturday: 

Woke up, ran errands, you know fun grown up junk. ugh. 

Came home and took an epic nap together and crashed out early. It has been so nice being able to really find some solitude again in each other (Jaid and I). We butt heads but when things go really sour in lives, we're so good at really pulling into one another and being one. I love that we always have each other's backs. We have been co-sleeping the last week and it has been so nice, I think we both find a lot of security in it. I am not really worried about her not being able to sleep in her bed or something, Jaid has always been easy to transition back and forth and I have never had a problem getting her to sleep back in her own room. We flip flop often and sometimes she prefers her own room and bed. During life bumps though, we both find it very healing to co-sleep. 

Sunday- 

Jaid and I slept in so late. You guys, like we both opened our eyes at 10:30 kind of late. It was a real dose of heaven. She is like mama, go go go until she crashes. She bodies a lot of her emotions until they have no point but to pour out, which can be exhausting. We got ready pretty quick and ran out the door for a visit with baby Jaycob. I wish I could tap into the emotions of that but I have not even began to process all of that. We were all happy to visit though. My parents ate Del taco which I kind of have a weak spot for...I mean have you guy tried their flat bread tacos? ugh. So delish. It didn't appeal to me though, I ended up hoping out while everyone went through the drive through and I ran into GNC to get some Quest Bars. Usually I prepare a shake and have a bar or two in my bag. Nope. I ran out pretty quick. I felt good though and I knew if I ate the shitty food I would be paying for it with my body. 

After our visit with the baby, Jaid and I headed over to the Art Bar for Jessie's Art Drop.

It was really nice to be around people who are like minded.

People who know the value of GOOD organic healthy food.

Other people who dream of the same kind of living.

People I can simply relate to. 

We did art, and babbled on and on about co-ground living, yurts, parenting, life styles.

It really was a good thing for me. 

Now Jaid and I are just cleaning up and cuddling up, spending the rest of our night preparing for the week to come. 

5 year old mohawk

We finally got you haircut how you have wanted it. You are five years old. It is January 31st 2014 and you are the bravest person I know to date. You never let a soul change you. You are so proud of yourself.