It makes me a little sick. I understand where the woman's pain comes from, i do. And a big part of me doesn't blame her. But this glorified father bullshit? Count me out. I follow Jaids lead. If Jaid wants to talk about her biological father, lets talk. We made a big deal out of the day that he died. She picked out a cupcake (and declared it a yearly tradition) we talked about him, his family. I told her funny stories about how he used to buy me a slurpee every day when I was pregnant. She knows he tried hard to be a good person. But she also knows the real reason he is dead, and she is fatherless. She knows about the custody battle. She knows more than most of those people that sat at his funeral. I put my own emotions and pain aside because i dont do this for him. I dont do this for them. I dont do it for myself. I actually do it against my self because if it were up to me everything surrounding his death would be blocked out. I do this for my daughter. Because THAT is all that I care about. His family, my family, fried, future relationships, it all comes secondary to doing whatever the hell needs to be done to pull my daughter to the other side of grief. To make something so brutally painful, as painless as i possibly can. If you step on my toes, I will not hesitate to cut anyone out. I hold life long grudges. Consuming grudges. I dont like it about myself, but its true...if i cut you out of my life, its not for no reason and the blame falls on your own conscious, noting mine. But to be painfully blunt, my kid is not a photo opportunity. My child is complex and deep no matter what smile she outs on. Maybe im a hovering parent. Maybe i micromanage the people she is close to. That kid and I though, weve been through some SHIT. Not just her dad.. stacks and piles and pounds of shit. It took everything in my to pull myself up each time, each time her and I got up from rock bottom together. You are high off your rocker if you think i will ever let my child be collateral for somebody else's healing, and sure as hell not at the expense of her own. I have swallowed so much pride that it nearly suffocates me, in the name of my daughter and her own healing. Her father was a drug addict. Point blank. He died from METH. How my daughter and I pick up the pieces from that blow is up to us, and us solely. You have no right to even side ways glance, i dont care if you are his family, my family, friends, exs, random people. You don't get a say and you dont get a question. Especially if you weren't a part of her life before he died. She isnt a jar of ashes on a fire place that you take down every September to snuggle because of a date and then leave collecting dust the rest of the year. She is a little girl who will forever carry a man's choices. And i will be damned if that is her identity to anyone, herself included.
